Boys, I know you’re annoyed that we tell you NO all the time, but have you considered that it is because 90% of your favorite activities are destructive, unhealthy, or downright disgusting. We love you! I swear we do, but seriously, you need some new hobbies!!
Still, I hate to always turn you down, crush your playtime dreams, and put an end to your ever excellent adventures, so, in a spirit of truce, I am temporarily giving up saying No. Let’s face it, you never really listened anyway.
Starting today, I’m giving you the green light on a list of the things that used to facilitate your bff relationship with the timeout chair. That’s right! Go a little crazy, push the boundaries, stick it to the man, as long as you follow a few simple stipulations.
Here’s the list. Take it and run.
It’s okay to push and shove other kids as long as the recipient is on a swing.
It’s okay to look at dirty pictures as long as those pictures are in fact images of dirt, mud, demolition and other similar, filthy things.
It’s okay to leave our toilet seat up as long as you are still peeing.
It’s okay to play with matches as long as they’re the kind from Go Fish.
It’s okay to lick a frozen flagpole as long as the kid who dared you to do it does it first, you wait 2 minutes, and it still looks fun.
It’s okay to hit, HARD, as long as you are swinging a bat at a ball, in a ball field, when it’s your turn.
It’s okay to play in the mud as long as you are wearing the outfit your grandma gave you that I can’t stand and need a reason to get rid of.
It’s okay to stuff food up and eat through your nose as long as you finish your vegetables before dessert.
It’s okay to burp like a truck driver as long as your very manly belching contest with dad takes place out of public view, and far from hearing distance of any of my delicately bred, female friends.
It’s okay to fight as long as it’s with pillows, and I get the biggest one.
It’s okay to take away someone’s toy as long as they said you could, recently, as in the last 20 seconds.
It’s okay to kill things as long as they are insects, rodents, or reptiles who have taken up unwelcome residence in our house. Please, have at them.
It’s okay to bounce off the walls as long as you are located in an inflated bouncy house that didn’t make me sign an insurance waiver.
It’s okay to laugh at someone who biffed it and face planted as long as they are still in one piece and laughing first.
It’s okay to climb up the slide as long as long as you are okay with getting kicked in the face.
It’s okay to use your outside voice as long as you are …… wait for it …… OUTSIDE! Head on out, and take all the time you need. I’ll just be in here on the couch enjoying a few minutes of peace.
It’s okay to tell a Big, Fat Lie as long as it is you telling me I’m the very BEST MOM, in the world.