Ep #16: How to Handle Anxiety in Children with Jeanette Razo-Gonzalez

What is secure attachment? And how do early relationships impact your child’s brain development? Today I’m talking with Sarah Conway who is a child psychologist and parent coach that specializes in supporting parents and children with emotional regulation. Her mission is to empower parents to move away from punitive parenting strategies and towards intentional brain based parenting that nurtures emotional intelligence so they can break harmful generational cycles and raise resilient emotionally healthy children which is what we all want.

Have you ever wondered if your child struggles with anxiety? Today I’m talking to Jeanette Razo-Gonzalez. She is a registered play therapist. She’s also a licensed clinical social worker, certified EMDR therapist and a Foundational Theraplay Practitioner. In our conversation we talked about signs of anxiety in children so you can know if your child potentially has a struggle with that. We also talked about different types of play therapy and maybe some ideas for how you could use those at home or in a classroom.

She has some amazing ideas and tips and she even included a free PDF, that is a daily check-in for kids, I think you’re going to want to check it out. Come listen to this super helpful conversation, it’s coming up next on this episode of the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast.

Welcome to the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast where moms and teachers come to learn all about kids’ brains, how they work, how they learn, how they grow and simple tips and tricks for raising the most resilient, kind, smart, compassionate kids we can. All while having lots of grace and compassion for ourselves because you know what? We all really need and deserve that too. I am your host, Amy Nielson. Let’s get ready to start the show.

Amy: Alright, welcome Jeanette to the show. I’m so happy to have you on today.

Jeanette: I’m very excited to be here, thank you.

Amy: This is going to be such a fun conversation because at Planning Playtime we’re obviously all about play. And you are a play therapist and I’m just so fascinated. We have talked a little bit about this already but I want to know more. So tell me, what is play therapy?

Jeanette: Yeah. So play therapy is a form of therapy that incorporates play to help not just children but people of all ages. So the reason we use play is because memories are stored as, or traumatic events are stored as images in the right side of the brain. So if we use just typical talk therapy you can access some of those because we do have words to express what we’ve gone through. But to go a little bit deeper, it’s really helpful to use techniques that target the right side of the brain. So play accesses the right side of the brain. Where trauma and experiences are stored as images, sensations and emotions.

Amy: Wow. That’s so cool. Okay, you have to tell me, how did you get into this? Did you just wake up one day and say, “I want to be a play therapist” or how did you find this?

Jeanette: So after I completed my master’s degree I went to work at an agency and I had to work with kids and I wasn’t given a lot of direction as to what techniques to use. There were worksheets that you could do with kids. But like I said, it involved a lot of talk and a lot of verbal interventions. And so that is more left side of the brain, logic, language is on the left side of the brain. So a lot of the kids would just give me answers that they thought I wanted to hear. And they weren’t really digging deep into their experience or their emotions and they weren’t really connecting.

And so I took an introductory play therapy training at that same agency and it was just amazing, it just blew my mind. I went back, I implemented some of the techniques and it was just amazing how much deeper the kids could go. And so after that I just looked up a program, I got training in play therapy and started collecting hours to become a play therapist.

Amy: That’s so cool. So we were talking and you were telling me there’s different kinds of play therapy. Tell me a little bit about that.

Jeanette: Yeah, so play therapy is just the overall umbrella but then there’s sand tray therapy and that involves pretty much what it sounds like, sand with tray. And then you have different figurines and the kids will set up scenes to describe what they’ve experienced or how they’re feeling or what they’re experiencing at school. Then there’s also Theraplay which I’m trained in as well. And that’s more structured. It’s focused on helping the parent and child connect and bond and helping the child regulate and the parent be a coregulator for the child.

Then there’s child centered play therapy. And that’s more child led therapy which the therapist will allow the child to play whatever they want to play and will just kind of track them with words and describe their experience, add words to what they’re doing. And then you could use arts and crafts to help kids show you their world or to explain things to kids and teach them about feelings and emotions and coping. And then there’s pretend play which a lot of kids, younger kids engage in and they’re just kind of practicing different skills, daily living skills.

And so that all happens in play therapy. And there’s more modalities out there as well, but these are just some of the few that I’ve done with kids.

Amy: That is so cool. Okay, so you’re talking about some of these things and I’m thinking, these don’t just have to be things that we do necessarily in a therapist office either. Some of these things we could do at home or in a classroom and maybe some already are like sand tray therapy or obviously pretend play, lots of that stuff going on. Is there a benefit then to doing some of this stuff at home with our kids?

Jeanette: Yeah, there definitely is. When the parent plays with their child they enter their child’s world. Play is the language of a child. And like I said, they spend most of their time in their right brain because language and logic develops later for kids. They understand things through images, through sensations but they don’t necessarily have the words to describe what that’s like or how they’re feeling or their experience. So when a parent plays with their child they’re able to enter that world and they’re able to see what their kids’ fears are or what they’re struggling with or just spend time in their world which is always important.

Amy: That’s so interesting. Okay, so some of it I feel just from watching my own children and from children I’ve worked with, sometimes they seem to want to bring you more into what they’re doing and have you participate. But sometimes it feels like they’re just kind of doing their own little thing. And for example this last week we had a bin full of cereal. We had snow days. There were these massive snow storms and we had 18 inches of snow or something and everything was shut down. And so my kiddo was playing in this big tray, threw all the people in with the cereal and was hauling stuff around.

And we had major avalanches going on and she was shoveling people out of the snow and rescuing people and then there were earthquakes and stuff. And I wasn’t participating, I was just an observer of what was happening. And she was playing on her own but it was interesting to see her working through kind of maybe some thoughts going on in her head. So is there value to allowing them to kind of do this on their own but be aware that I’m watching it and hearing what’s happening?

Jeanette: Yes, definitely. So when we are able to observe a child’s play and they know that we’re watching and noticing, they feel seen. And that’s a major part of just feeling connected to people and a way of building resilience as well because if we know that somebody is there for us, even if they’re just watching and understanding our experience we know we’ll be okay and that we’re not alone. And so as you’re watching your child do this, you’re being a witness to their experience, even though there are no words, that is the best way that they can describe it.

And it’s a description at a deeper level because you get that feeling in your gut of what their world is like at the moment or what their experience is versus if they were to tell you with words. Does that make sense?

Amy: Right, yeah. Okay, so then the next question that comes to my head is how do you know when to join in the play and when to just kind of sit to the side and observe and listen?

Jeanette: Yeah. So if you see that they’re super focused on the play and they’re always aware of what you’re doing. So they’ll know you’re watching and they’re just not even interacting with you. I would just let them but if they invite you I would join. And you can do kind of like a child led therapy technique where the parent will ask the child, “Hey, what do you want me to do?” Whisper to them and the child will be like, “Okay, you be this person and you do this and you do that.”

And they will direct you and that way you’ll be helping them process the emotions and have a more active role if they’re ready for that. If they’re not, maybe they’re just regulating. They’re just trying to self-regulate because play is also very helpful at helping kids regulate, destress and so this is one way that they do it and you can just be a part of it in different ways whether you’re watching or actively involved.

Amy: I love it. Okay. So when you talked about Theraplay that’s kind of more that structured stuff that we kind of work on really building connection with our child. We kind of maybe have a plan like I’m going to take you to go do this or let’s go play this game together or something we’re kind of designing for them to do with us. And child centered play is more where we just enter their world and let them direct it and tell us what to do and how to participate.

Jeanette: Yeah, definitely. And that’s something that happens in the playroom. Usually a child centered play is something that happens in a playroom. The child walks in, there’s a lot of toys and they come in and they just play. And the therapist will just track the child by describing what they’re doing, what they may be feeling depending on what’s going on. And then the child might invite the therapist in or might not. But it’s very child led and the child will just do what they need to do.

Sometimes when there’s kids that are a little bit more anxious they will come into the playroom and just kind of freeze, be very aware that you’re there and not want to play. So that’s when we can do more directive play therapy where we engage them in an activity to help provide that structure and reduce that anxiety.

Amy: That’s so good. Okay, so we’re talking about anxiety now. And I actually just had someone call me yesterday and asked for advice with a child that’s having anxiety. And so I’m so glad we’re having this conversation. So talk to me about what are some of the common signs of anxiety in kids and then maybe we can talk about how play could help with that.

Jeanette: Yeah. So common signs are kids not feeling well, having a lot of stomach aches, having a lot of physical complaints. Maybe you take them to the doctor and the doctor’s like, “They’re fine”, but the child’s still complaining that they don’t feel well. Not wanting to go to school in the morning, being afraid to separate from the parent, crying a lot, fear around bedtime, not wanting to separate once again or having a lot of nightmares. And then fear of something happening to the parents.

So just because there’s one of these doesn’t mean that they are struggling with anxiety but a lot of these can be signs of anxiety. And it also depends on how long it goes for, if it’s a one night thing then that’s probably not, maybe they had a rough day or they got scared with something. But if it goes on and it starts to interfere with daily routines and things that they have to do throughout the day then it could be a sign of anxiety.

Amy: Okay. So what are some tools that we could use or how could we as parents or teachers maybe kind of try to help with that using play?

Jeanette: Yeah. So with anxiety, the first thing we want to do is validate, validate that feeling, let the child know that we understand what they’re feeling, that we hear them. And that could be as simple as you feel a little bit nervous today. Or you’re not feeling so well. And just repeating what they’re telling us. And letting them know that we hear them. So that validating anxiety helps children know that they’re being seen. And not just that, it makes it real. So it’s not just in their head. It’s not something that only they feel. It’s real and now someone else knows about it.

And if it’s real and someone else knows about it then we can do something about it. But if we ignore it then it’s probably just in my head and I’m alone in this experience. So that’s why validation is so important. And then one of the things that I like to do with kids is have them draw a picture of themselves and then identify four different emotions. So the basic ones, happy, sad, mad, angry. And have them pick a color for each emotion. So let’s say they pick yellow for happy and I’ll ask them, “Okay, so now that you have your picture, when was a time this week or today that you felt happy?”

“I felt happy when my friend gave me a best friend’s bracelet.” “Okay, so where did you feel that happiness in your body?” “Oh, I felt it in my face because I had a smile on and I felt it in my heart.” “Okay, go ahead and shade those parts in.” And so they’ll color it in with yellow and then they’ll do that with the other emotions as well. And so what this helps with is identifying feelings and not just what their names are but also where we feel them in our body. So the next time they’re feeling a little bit anxious or worried they’re going to know, okay, my stomach hurts.

Maybe it’s because I’m feeling a little bit worried. What am I worried about? Maybe I can talk to mom about this or to my teacher about this. And so it just helps them connect to their body a little bit more and have the words to say, “Okay, this is what I’m experiencing.”

Amy: That is so good. I have found that labeling emotions, I am hearing a lot about that in different places and how powerful that can be in helping them have maybe a little bit of distance from it. And then also being able to do something with it and not be as afraid of it because I think sometimes the fear of what is happening to me, this emotion that I’m feeling, this experience I’m having, or being afraid of it not going away or I don’t know. And just being able to label it and talk about it seems like it already is starting to help a little bit.

Jeanette: And I think sometimes parents might be afraid to label it as anxiety or worry because they’re afraid that if they say that then it’s going to put it in their child’s head and they’re going to make them more anxious and it’s going to become really an issue. But it’s already there so let’s just talk about it.

Amy: Yeah, so good. We don’t have to be afraid of having anxiety, we can work with it and live with it and work through it, yes, so good. Another thing I think we talked about is creating a safe space to talk about feelings so that the picture I thought was a really clever idea. You also said that there was an activity called butterflies in a jar. Can you tell me about that?

Jeanette: So what you can do, parents, teachers can do this as well but you get a jar, a clear jar. And then you have the children draw three different sized butterflies and so they could put a big worry on their big butterfly, a medium worry on their medium butterfly and a small worry on their smaller butterfly. You can have different cutouts so as they experience those worries they can write them down on the butterflies and put them in the jar. And they can come back to it with a parent or with a teacher to talk about it a little bit more later.

But at least it creates that containment and there’s a lot of symbolism in there as well and play uses a lot of symbolism. But they’re contained and I don’t have to carry it with me anymore. And we’re going to talk about it later. It gives them that relief.

Amy: That’s so good. I’ve been hearing too, I think it was in Dr. Becky’s book, Good Insight and she talked about how sometimes just being able to say how big a feeling feels is almost as helpful as being able to say, label what it is. And I’ve tried this with my kiddo who was having some big feelings recently. And it seemed like it really worked. She wanted to be able to say how big it felt, like is this as big as a dinosaur or is this as big as an apple? And sometimes just being able to express how big it felt.

And so I love that idea with your butterflies is that they could say, “This feels so big right now or this one doesn’t feel as big as this other thing.” And just being able to kind of see that.

Jeanette: Yeah. And show the parent, this is what my experience is. This is how much I’m struggling with it.

Amy: Yeah, what a cool thing. I love that. Okay, we talked to you, you said a coping box. I thought this was interesting, tell me about that.

Jeanette: Yeah. So a coping box could be any kind of box. You can grab a shoebox, have the child decorate it and they can put in different things that help them ground using their five senses. So it could be something that they can smell. So that could be mom’s perfume if they’re having a hard time separating from mom. It could be a special essential oil that they love or it could be a nice smelling lotion, anything that they can smell that can calm their nervous system.

They can put in things that they can touch so anything that’s squishy or fluffy or furry or just anything that feels nice, some Play-doh, some silly putty, things that are just tactile. And then they can put in things that they can see, so for example, a picture of their family at a family vacation or of their dog if their dog is someone that they’re very close to. They can put a picture of a place they like to visit, anything that just kind of calms them and brings them back to the here and now. And then anything that they can hear, so maybe a rain stick can go in there or a little bell, or if they’re older, an iPod Shuffle with some music in it.

So anything that brings them back to their five senses will help them ground them. And this could be placed in a peace corner, or it can be placed in their room just for them to go to when they’re noticing, okay, my stomach is hurting, I’m feeling a little nervous, I’m going to go use my coping box.

Amy: That’s so cool. I love the idea of engaging all five senses and giving them options so they can pick which one they feel is going to help them the most in that moment or multiple. So good. These are such good tips. Okay, do you have any other just quick recommendations for parents with things that they could maybe do at home if they have a child that’s struggling a little bit with anxiety?

Jeanette: Yeah. So like I said, if they can do child led play which is observing the child going into their play, if they’re invited into the play. And with kids sometimes you’ll notice themes in their play. So that’s mainly what we look at. It’s not so much what exactly they’re doing but what theme it has around it. And so let’s say a child struggles with saying hello to new people, maybe they’re a little bit more sensitive and they get nervous around new people and they never want to say hello. You’ll see that kid practice or pretend play that they’re the neighbor and they’re coming to say hello to mom every single day multiple times a day.

And they’ll knock on a pretend door and mom will open and then they’ll give the parent a hug and say hello. But if you know their background you’ll know why they’re doing that and you’ll know, my child is struggling with saying hello and here they are practicing it over and over and over. So they’re working through something. So we don’t need to push them to say hello, they’re working on it and they’re going to do it at their own pace. So that’s why child led play is so important and it’s so important for the parent to be able and willing to join them as well.

And then there’s the adult led play so you can do this as well with let’s say a child is afraid of going to the dentist and they’re really nervous about it. And the parent could use dolls and show one doll being the dentist, the other one being the patient or the parent could work on a doll’s teeth and pretend to be the dentist. And then they can shift roles so the child’s ready and willing. The child could be the parent’s dentist or the doll’s dentist. But just giving them this opportunity to practice something that may be scary will help them be able to face it a lot more.

It doesn’t mean that they’re not going to cry when they’re there or struggle but at least they’ve gotten an introduction to it and they’ve gotten some practice so the next time will be easier.

Amy: Yes, that’s so good. Okay, and you wrote a book about play, tell us about this book because it sounds amazing.

Jeanette: Yeah, so this book is focused on just activities that I’ve done in therapy with kids. And I wanted to offer that to parents that don’t have the time or the resources to take their children to therapy. I wanted them to have a little piece of that at home. And so it’s 50 activities that the parents can do with their child. So some of the activities are non-verbal communication because our communication most of it is non-verbal. It’s not using words. And like I said, kids communicate mainly without words. So that’s why it’s so important.

Activities to increase body awareness, so helping them tune into their body, being aware of what they’re feeling, where their body is. Activities to increase self-confidence. So that’s really important with kids because they’re trying new activities all the time. They’re learning about themselves. They’re learning about the world and just having the parent help them through those activities can make them feel like they can handle anything through play.

And there’s activities that focus on attention, so helping the child pay attention to the parent, that back and forth communication. That is so important in connection. And then the last section of my book is my favorite. So it involves the parent feeding the child and providing yummy snacks through play. It helps parents take that role of nurture and just provide that child with that feeling of safety. I’m here for you, I’m going to care for you. But like I said, non-verbally through play which is the language that kids just take in.

Amy: That’s so powerful and it just feels like, yes, a way to kind of help our kids with a lot of these different challenges potentially. But it’s doing it so beautifully and while building your relationship so it’s not like, well, we need to go work on this now. You’re just playing together building your relationship and working on these challenges maybe or skills at the same time. What a neat way to do that.

Jeanette: And what better way to show your child that you care for them than to play with them, enter their world, make time for them.

Amy: I think relationships are just kind of everything and they just help us through all the other stuff when it comes because it does come and then you have that foundation or that bank to work with I think. This is so good. Okay, so your book is 50 Play activities That You Can Do With Your Child. And is that available on Amazon?

Jeanette: That’s available on Amazon. I have a little flippy version of it so it’s a flip book that has the activities, a smaller size, something you can travel with or carry with you. And then there’s a larger version of it, that includes a journaling section. So after the children complete an activity with the parent and the parent and the child have a section to journal on or draw a picture of what their favorite part of the activity was and you can keep that as a keepsake journal.

Amy: That’s so fun. Okay, so we will drop the link for that in our show notes and you can get that. And then you also sent something for kids to try out. It’s a PDF. It’s a daily check-in for kids and this is free. You can get this through the show notes, just click the link and you can get that. And what does that do? How does that work and how does that help our kiddos?

Jeanette: Yeah. So this PDF has a section at the top where kids can choose what they’re feeling, so an emotion that they’re feeling or they can draw their own. And then another section of it shows different activities that they can do to respond to that activity. So if they’re feeling angry maybe they can go for a walk or maybe they can kick a soccer ball, different things that they can do. If they’re feeling sad maybe they can take a deep breath, go write in their journal, maybe draw a picture. And then there’s another section that has activities that the parent and child can do together to connect once the child has done something.

Or maybe they don’t even want to do something on their own, maybe they just need their parent at that time. They can choose from the other section where there’s activities that they can do with their parent such as cuddle, or I just need you to listen to me, things like let’s draw a picture together, let’s make a snack together, things like that for connection.

Amy: That is so amazing. Okay, so make sure you grab that free PDF, that’s the daily check-in for kids. And then you can go and grab Jeanette’s book on Amazon. And we’ll have all the links for those for you in the show notes. Thank you so much for coming on and sharing your expertise. This was fascinating. It was really fun to listen to all the ways play can impact our kids. Now, I mean we use that a lot through learning but I love that this is just such a way of helping understand what’s going on in their brain and helping them learn to regulate. So good.

Okay, well we will be back next time with another episode of Raising Healthy Kid Brains and again, thank you, Jeanette, for coming on today.

Jeanette: Thank you so much for having me.

Thank you so much for spending some time with me today and listening to this episode of the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast. We are a brand new podcast which means we are harder to find than the perfect LEGO in a big box full of LEGO. And we need your help so that we can reach more moms and parents, and teachers with this information about their children’s brains. So how can you help? You can follow this podcast wherever you listen to podcasts and leave us a rating and a review. That would mean the absolute world to us.

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