Ep #23: How to Help Your Child Process Negative Thoughts

Do you ever worry about your child getting stuck in negative thought patterns or telling themselves negative stories about themselves or the world around them, things like, I’m no good at this, this is never going to work, nobody likes me, I’m not even going to try because I can’t? Today we are going to talk about negative thought patterns. We are going to talk about the stories we tell ourselves and specifically four different story hooks that get us into these negative stories. We’re going to talk about what they look like. We’re going to talk about how we can notice them and maybe help our children become aware of them.

And then maybe some ways to start working our way out of them as well. It’s all coming up today on this episode of the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast.

Welcome to the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast where moms and teachers come to learn all about kids’ brains, how they work, how they learn, how they grow and simple tips and tricks for raising the most resilient, kind, smart, compassionate kids we can. All while having lots of grace and compassion for ourselves because you know what? We all really need and deserve that too. I am your host, Amy Nielson. Let’s get ready to start the show.

Your child is a story maker because as humans we are all story makers and we get this because our brains make stories. They’re really, really good at it. They’re doing it all day long. And this is how we function and work through our life. It’s very normal for our brains to do this. It helps us organize our experiences and stay sane and learn and grow. But it’s important to remember that as we are scripting these stories we are taking liberties with the truth. We’re limited by what we don’t know. We’re limited by what our exposure to life has already been.

And we kind of have to fill in blanks, and so we’re making up and filling in things. I’m talking with you today about a chapter from a book I really enjoyed called Emotional Agility, it’s written by Susan David. It’s a fabulous book. And I wanted to talk to you kind of about negativity and how we can maybe help children process through negative thoughts and negative stories that they’re telling themselves. We end up getting into these loops and these negative thought patterns. And we want to talk a little bit about how that’s happening, why that’s happening.

And then how to maybe be aware of it so that you can start working your way into getting out of some of those things. So, Dr. David tells us that on an average day we speak around 16,000 words out loud, which is kind of amazing to think about. But our air voices are, or inner voice, whichever one you want to go with is producing thousands and thousands more words than that. And it is this complex mixture of evaluations and judgments that we are making all day long which is important. We have to do that. That’s how we figure out the world around us.

But it’s important to remember that our inner voice is a little bit unreliable as a narrator. It is not neutral and it’s not really dispassionate. It has things it cares about and it’s going to be a little biased. It can also tend to be very self-critical or even critical of others. And another thing to remember is that all this internal chatter that’s happening in our brains is not only misleading but it can also be a little bit exhausting. And so we’ll hear children start saying things like, “I’m no good at this. I always mess up. This is never going to work. I’m never going to figure this out.” I’m not even going to try. The last time I did it was so embarrassing.” Things like that.

So let’s talk a little bit about how these stories happen, how stories are built, how they’re created and how we can help maybe children notice them and figure out what they’re doing with their stories. So that they can maybe reevaluate their stories and open themselves up to different stories or different thought patterns and ideas that might serve them better. Good stories have a hook. There’s something that hooks you in and you want to get into this story and listen to it and get obsessed with it, get excited about it. And the stories we tell ourselves have hooks as well.

And so we’re going to talk about four different hooks that are kind of negativity hooks in stories that we tell ourselves that are maybe negative stories that aren’t really helpful stories that are serving us or serving our children. Let’s talk about hook number one that Susan David talks about in her book. And number one is thought blaming. So for example, this would be something like a child saying, “I thought I would sound stupid so I didn’t raise my hand and say anything in class.” Or, I thought I might be wrong so I didn’t answer.” Or, “I thought no one would play with me so I just sat by myself.”

And we get this idea that we had a thought and because that thought happened, we chose a behavior. And thoughts in isolation don’t cause behaviors, we choose our behaviors. And so we can help maybe children start to notice, well, there was a thought you had but that doesn’t actually mean that there was a result that was going to happen. The thought is not to blame for your behavior. You chose your behavior and maybe what we needed to do then was go back and look at that thought that ended up influencing that behavior and maybe try on a different thought.

Thoughts are just thoughts. We can be intentional about some of the ones we have. Some of them just happen naturally but we can reevaluate. And so maybe we try on a thought where maybe there is another kid out there that also didn’t feel like anyone wanted to play with them. And if we invite them or ask if we can play then they would let us play with them. Or maybe the answer in my brain is interesting and maybe it’s different than what they were thinking of, but maybe it could be a valid answer too. And we can look at our thoughts and instead of blaming our thoughts for our behaviors we can try to think some different thoughts.

The second story hook she talks about is monkey mindedness. And she describes this as this incessant chatter that happens in our brains as we’re moving from one topic to the next. And also this idea and anticipatory thoughts or forecasting responses. So we are sitting here thinking about, if I do this then this person is going to respond in this way. And we’re anticipating their responses and we are coming up with everything that they’re going to do as a reaction and then what our next step is going to be. And we’re planning out this entire scenario without ever having actually done anything.

And we’re completely worn out from the intense argument we’ve just created in our head before we’ve ever even started talking to the other person. And it might also look like kind of awfulizing or imagining worst case scenarios which is something that we tend to see kids do sometimes and be thinking about. So this can be really, really negative chatter going on in your brain that’s very incessant, like a thought loop that’s happening. And this one’s tricky I think. And one of the things we want to do is help children start to identify it. Can we talk about what’s happening?

Is this happening in your brain? Is your brain telling you all of these things? Do you keep hearing these different ideas? Are you trying to come up with solutions to ideas or coming up with things that you think someone might say to you and then trying to respond to it before it even happens? And help them start to kind of notice that so they can see it happening. I love the idea of calling it monkey mindedness because monkeys are fun and children can love those. And so if we can help them notice it and name it, that’s the first step. We want them to at least see that it’s happening.

And they might not be able to stop it immediately, but at least being able to notice it and name it is really helpful. And then maybe we start working on coping solutions like taking a deep breath, taking some time to just breathe and just sit here where we are. Well, we don’t actually know how that person’s going to respond. Maybe it will be different. And again choosing thoughts, we can try on a different thought kind of like we try on clothes. We could try on a thought where maybe they’ll respond completely differently than we thought they would. Maybe they’ll respond by being absolutely silly.

And I love throwing in something silly because then it kind of removes this need for everything to be perfect. And so we can come up with an absolutely outrageous response like maybe they will want to give you an entire truckload of ice cream sandwiches. I just throw out something random and silly because it removes the pressure for us to get the right answer. And we can just imagine any scenario we want.

One of the things that I’ve found for myself when I feel like I’m in this monkey mindedness state and trying to solve any potential problem that might happen is to instead of just trying to get my brain to not think about it anymore is to give myself something else to think about. So maybe in those moments we give kids something to think about. Is there a story that you loved that you like to think about?

Is there a place you really like to go, a vacation you want to plan, something? I don’t know, give them something to kind of really focus on that will allow them to kind of pull out of this incessant chatter that’s happening in their brain and give them something specific to think about.

Hook number three is old outgrown ideas and children can get stuck in something that happened before and just keep assuming that that same thing is there still or it’s still making them afraid instead of being able to recognize where they are now. So for one example I know a child that struggled for a little bit with wetting the bed and now has a really, really hard time being able to function normally without needing to feel like they need to go to the bathroom multiple, multiple times before they go to sleep just in case so they don’t.

And this could be something like, I used to be a bad reader and I got made fun of so I can’t read in front of people anymore because I used to get made fun of for reading, things like that. And what we want to do is teach children to have compassion for themselves and say, “My gosh, that must have felt so scary to be in that space where you just didn’t feel like you were in control. And you were trying to solve this problem and you didn’t know when this was going to happen or you weren’t sure how people were going to respond to you and it felt terrible inside.”

And allow them to sit with that and express that emotion and what that felt like. And acknowledge that and then also say, “Oh, my goodness look at where you are now and what you have been able to do with that and look at your reading skills now and what you’ve been able to do.” And kind of help bring them into the present. So practicing compassion with where they used to be, acknowledging those emotions that happened, not bottling them up, allowing that expression of it. And then also kind of bringing them into the present of where they are now.

Number four is a bit of a tricky one I think for some of us and she calls this one, wrongheaded righteousness. And the idea of this is holding on too long to the idea of fairness or justice or vindication and having it proved beyond shadow of a doubt that we were right. So I have seen this of course so many times with children. And I’ll give you an example, one would be my two kids arguing in the back of the car of whose turn it is to sit in the middle seat versus the back seat and this is one of their top most favorite things to argue about which makes me giggle. And that’s they still need to figure out conflict resolution.

So I try to help them figure it out. But this is one of the things they discuss and it can be so difficult for them to let go of the idea of it is my turn and you had the last turn and so it is my turn. And I know for a fact that it’s my turn. And I am going to be so, so hurt and upset. And this is so unfair and wrong if I don’t get my turn to sit in the seat. And it can ruin their day. I am taking them to school and they’re just so upset with each other. It causes a lot of angst and frustration over this idea. So, Dr. David talks about how problematic this can be because this need to be right, this need for justice can actually end up stealing years of your life.

And this may be in something that’s a little more severe than who gets to sit in the back seat. That can certainly ruin your morning. But in bigger things it can take years of your life away if we obsess over these just needing to have fairness and justice and vindication and proving that we’re right. She says it merely prolongs the injustice because we are depriving ourselves of other good things that we value and being able to move forward. When I think about this for myself and I’m talking about this with my children we talk about the fact that it’s really hard that this hard thing happened to you and it’s so incredibly frustrating.

And yet it already happened, it already is a thing. And are we going to let it get worse or take more from us by continuing to focus on it and obsess over it? I don’t want this hard thing to take any more from me than it already has. And I think part of the reason that we work so hard for vindication and to prove that we’re right is so that we’re not a victim. And yet continuing to obsess over it and let it rob us of what else we could be doing or joy we could be having or happy times we could be focusing on is just creating more victimhood. It’s making us a victim longer by not being able to let it go.

And so I try to get my kids into a position of power again where we talk about, “Well, what can you do that is something that gives you power again? What is something you can do that you care about that will bring you back to a place of joy and moving forward in your life of things that you actually care about?” And of course that doesn’t mean we’re not acknowledging the injustice or the frustration they’re feeling. Of course we want to acknowledge that. That is real. It feels so real to you and it matters.

But also I want to help you get through to the next part so that you don’t continue to feel this way and feel stuck in this yucky feeling that you’re currently having. I found these hook ideas to be super helpful at starting to notice some of the negative stories that we’re telling ourselves and helping children be able to identify them and be able to just notice them so that they can kind of relook at them and maybe choose some different thoughts, some different patterns and start working through those.

Helping children get through negativity is not about getting rid of negativity. There is going to be negative things in our life. It’s part of feeling, it’s part of being alive. We need it. We need to experience that. It’s a teacher for us of what’s good and bad in our lives. It’s so helpful. We need negative emotion. It’s important. I think the challenge is, is not getting stuck there, not getting into patterns and loops with these stories that we tell ourselves that keep us from being able to see the rest of it and not getting stuck.

One of my favorite quotes around this is from Brooke Castillo and she says, “Confidence is being willing to face any emotion.” And so I think that the idea is, is helping kids notice the negativity and not being afraid of it, being willing to look through it and say, “What is my pattern? What’s happening here? What’s the story I’m telling myself? And be willing to look at it and face it, notice it, acknowledge it, but then not get stuck in it and be able to move forward and not be afraid of it or stuck.

I hope that was helpful and I think one of the things I would challenge you to do this week is to start with yourself. Notice a pattern for yourself this week, is there one of these stories, one of these hooks that you’re doing in your own brain and notice it and become aware of it and maybe talk about it. And as we do that we’re modeling for our children how to notice what their brain is doing. Oh my goodness, I think I’m being a little bit monkey minded right now. This is happening. And help them start to notice that. And then they recognize that it’s okay for us to first have negative emotions, they’re normal.

It’s okay to notice them and to think about them and observe them and say, “I wonder where that came from? And it looks like this is what’s happening.” And then to maybe choose something else that we want to do with our brain. We’re going to give it something else to focus on. We’re going to say, “Wow, that was what I used to be, that old outgrown idea, but now I have done some work on that and now I’m here which is so great.” So start with you, model it for your kids.

And then, hey, come on over to Instagram or Facebook, tell us a message of what you noticed, give us an example. We’d love to hear it. And you can come share that with us or you can always email us, amy@planningplaytime.com. And we’d love to hear what you noticed in one of these hooks in yourself this week. Have an amazing rest of your day and I will catch you next time right back here at the Raising Healthy Kid Brains podcast.

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Thank you for hanging out with me today for this fun chat on Raising Healthy Kid Brains. If you want to see more of what we’re doing to support kiddos and their amazing brains, come visit us on our website, planningplaytime.com. See you next week.